"Extroverts should understand that if someone is being quiet it doesn't mean they're having a bad time; it doesn't mean they're depressed; it doesn't mean they're lonely or need psychiatric help or medication. A lot of the battle is making the extrovert world more aware."
The introverted writer, (I haven't clicked the link to his interviews), speaks clearly about a concept I've been trying to rail into people's heads for a very long time. Classically, I would consider myself an introvert, but what makes matters a little more challenging for me is that I love being in social settings, but with an introverted twist.
I love introverted and extraverted people alike, assuming there's some substance to their character. Definitely, extraversion - especially amongst males - is highly desirable in American culture. However, often the case is that I'm highly annoyed by many extraverts... especially the men... who insist on making grandiose gestures and seem like uncontrollable bundles of energy in conversation. While it's nice to see someone who's engaged in conversations (something I appreciate as an introvert, since I wonder if people really *do* care to speak with me enjoy themselves), the cultural expectations that if I do not reciprocate with exactly the same amount of energy is very intimidating.
Of course, here lies the problem: Extraverts are more likely to get out in the world and grab social power. They're also more likely to boisterously express their opinions, and since they're the ones who speak the most, it's not too far of a cognitive leap - esp. under peer pressure - to translate that as a societal norm.
Extraverts look at introverts and are puzzled. They wonder, "this person is not smiling at me as much as my other friends? Am I doing something wrong?" or "This person doesn't call me nearly as often as another person who doesn't know me as well." They can equate lack of enthusiasm with disapproval. Extraverts love to engage in "black and white" thinking. If something's not good, it's bad. If something's not fun, it's boring. ExtravertLogic(TM) is filled with a lot of false dichotomies. (I'm aware that I'm making sweeping generalisations, but I use it to make a point.) Introverts are typically more receptive to subtle nuances of situations, and perceive experiences as belonging on a spectrum.
In this regard, I think extraverts have a lot to learn about their introverted cousins. However, I know it's tough as an introvert. I've had major arguments with some of my more extraverted friends because they thought I've been disapproving, or too distant from them. It hurts me to overhear conversations such as, "Oh my god, he's such a loser eating there by himself!" when I'm simply enjoying a meal and thinking.
I think threadwalker is onto something. Introversion does not mean passivity. It is possible to assertively inform other people that you enjoy time by yourself, and not everyone lives according to the same standards and preferences. You would be amazed at the reaction... even if it's not always welcoming.
All this coming from a guy who's trying to develop his more extraverted social skills. :P
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2006-03-21 05:16 am (UTC)The introverted writer, (I haven't clicked the link to his interviews), speaks clearly about a concept I've been trying to rail into people's heads for a very long time. Classically, I would consider myself an introvert, but what makes matters a little more challenging for me is that I love being in social settings, but with an introverted twist.
I love introverted and extraverted people alike, assuming there's some substance to their character. Definitely, extraversion - especially amongst males - is highly desirable in American culture. However, often the case is that I'm highly annoyed by many extraverts... especially the men... who insist on making grandiose gestures and seem like uncontrollable bundles of energy in conversation. While it's nice to see someone who's engaged in conversations (something I appreciate as an introvert, since I wonder if people really *do* care to speak with me enjoy themselves), the cultural expectations that if I do not reciprocate with exactly the same amount of energy is very intimidating.
Of course, here lies the problem: Extraverts are more likely to get out in the world and grab social power. They're also more likely to boisterously express their opinions, and since they're the ones who speak the most, it's not too far of a cognitive leap - esp. under peer pressure - to translate that as a societal norm.
Extraverts look at introverts and are puzzled. They wonder, "this person is not smiling at me as much as my other friends? Am I doing something wrong?" or "This person doesn't call me nearly as often as another person who doesn't know me as well." They can equate lack of enthusiasm with disapproval. Extraverts love to engage in "black and white" thinking. If something's not good, it's bad. If something's not fun, it's boring. ExtravertLogic(TM) is filled with a lot of false dichotomies. (I'm aware that I'm making sweeping generalisations, but I use it to make a point.) Introverts are typically more receptive to subtle nuances of situations, and perceive experiences as belonging on a spectrum.
In this regard, I think extraverts have a lot to learn about their introverted cousins. However, I know it's tough as an introvert. I've had major arguments with some of my more extraverted friends because they thought I've been disapproving, or too distant from them. It hurts me to overhear conversations such as, "Oh my god, he's such a loser eating there by himself!" when I'm simply enjoying a meal and thinking.
I think threadwalker is onto something. Introversion does not mean passivity. It is possible to assertively inform other people that you enjoy time by yourself, and not everyone lives according to the same standards and preferences. You would be amazed at the reaction... even if it's not always welcoming.
All this coming from a guy who's trying to develop his more extraverted social skills. :P